anyway, this is a confessional, a sin box. though i wont tell of my sins, they will go with me to the grave. first off, fuck me. i have fucked up big time in the last month and a half...in multiple ways. to begin-
Maggie. damn. i fucked up majorly. i dont eve know where to start...i guess i just will. i ve been too damned afraid to call her, and its not like it should be hard. i trust her with everything, i would do anything. but i dont know how many times i have looked at the phone and dialed her number, only to hang up before the last digit. i guess im just afraid of the potentially fatal reprocussions of pissing off ramon, or maybe even her. i dont even care about the money anymore. i just want to talk to her, to hear her voice, perhaps even see her. not all living things are tangible, and that is what im scared of, i guess. god this is worse than a 5-13 route in a brisk arctic wind. Relationship(current) x Position(current) + slipping up - money to see her = scenario failure. fuck.
next, we have senior project. fucking senior project. im not going to bitch about how we are the only public school in the nation that does it, or how it sucks up enough energy to power new york for a full year. i spent more time at school than at home trying to get that thing done, and then i had to write a fucking paper about it. 11 pages of single spaced paper, plus a title page, equates to roughly 23 pages of finished report. the god damn thing took me long enough to do that i think i could give my presentation on it right now. which, by the way, is fucking insane. how many teens do you know who can stand up in front of people they have never met and present a project on lightning arrest pest control through over-exposure to nitrates for 20 minutes while they look for ways to fail you? if you can find me someone like that, let me know so they can go do it. id like to see them try.
next on my rant list comes CG. that bastard. fucking snake. oh, lets go be friends with someone, and then try to get under their skin to the point where they have no control anymore. lets play parasite! im glad my parents caught you. you sneak around inside peoples heads, looking for ways to extort them, dont you. well, lets put it this way...BUSTED. enough said.
then there's the school play. i love ya fish, but fuck you you incredible bitch. how in the HELL does drew burns deserve the lead role at all? and kingsly gets ensemble? what the fuck is wrong with you!?!? granted, theresa (who is incredibly good at acting) deserves the role of perry, but where do you get off giving people like me shitty roles with no lines and kristin barton a nonspeaking role al together? what the fuck was running through your head? oh, and by the way, drew is one of the people that i see as not a team player, who is only in it for the popularity. i can be an asshole whos addicted to the spotlight too, but i choose not to be.
and that leads me to steph. next time, when you have to take a state-mandated test, dont get drunk before coming to school. yes, you can smell it on your breath, yes your eyes are dialated, and yes you are extremely easy when youre drunk. stop.
oh, and terry, i would appriciate if you would actually talk to me. how many wasted minutes have i spent iming you? too fucking many...i give up.
to jonathon- where in the hell are you? arent you the one who is supposed to help me on my senior prank? i have all the details, and i HAD a crew...till you dissappeared. you better have a damn good excuse, like youre dead or something. im calling you right now. dont fucking ignore me this time, bastard. you know that i cant pull something this heavy off without you, so i would really like some feedback.
alex and sara- first, you ARE married. ive never seen couples like you before...holy shit. second, i AM going to kick both of your asses in paintball next weekend, and you arent going to touch me. do you know why? because i play things out in my head before i move. just like on big game of chess. i kick the crap out of you everytime we play CS, and i dont expect this to be any different. also, im in much better shape than you, because i have gone running every night for the past 3 weeks. snow or no snow. lastly, im used to the cold. outdoor arenas in the cold tend to become just that...cold. kevlar helps, but once you get to that point it is strictly mind over matter. bang. i win. do not pass go, move directly to the cry room off the lobby.
alright, rant over...fuck it. im too tired. oh, and just as a reminder...FUCK ME.