Wednesday, November 19, 2003
is not without a sense of irony. so i havent posted in a long while, ive been pretty busy. but something is driving me insane. i dont care about the phone bills anymore, i just want to talk to maggie. i just want to hear her sweet voice and feel completely comfortable again. but theres something else bothering me about it. the usual isnt happening. usually if i dont talk to someone, i forget about them, they cease to exist. but not talking to maggie is doing the opposite, pestering me like a splinter in my mind. i tried calling her last night, but she didnt pick up. maybe she found something better to do than waste her time on me. i hope she hasnt forgotten me, but its always a possibility. love
Posted at 07:46 am by hrizonedge
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Ok. So i realize now that the entirety of my previous two blogs, dated from yesterday, my have been a little bit harsh. But i feel that i was partially in the right, due to the fact that she lied. Not only to me, directly to my face, but also to her other friends in saying that i tried to push the idea of sex on her. sorry, but no. considering that every time we even kissed, i let her initiate, i would say that is a little bit wrong. and it really isnt like im worried about what her friends think, but just so i can cover my ass i decided to get drastic. last night, when she called me to tell me i was a jerk to her, i tape recorded the conversation, using this little device i decided to make up out of old computer cable and a boom box. throughout the process of her blaming me for everything, i got her to confess that she made the whole story up just to get back at me. she still doesnt know that i did this. well, the person who told me now knows the truth. i told her not to fuck with me. and now she lost more than just a boyfriend. she lost me as a friend, as well as some of the other friends she lied to. im not like that. but just because we ended, does that give her the right to go on this incredible rampage? No in my opinion. What do you think? i would like some comment on this one if none of you who happen to stumble onto this site have the time to. Or if you even care.
by the way, maggie, how did your performance go last night? i only wish i was there to give you dozen roses, each one sealed with a kiss. but here is one. @~S~ i hope you do excellent at tonights, aswell. go drama geeks. go technical drama geeks + 1. and if you happen to do both like me, we all need to get a life outside the theatre, and you know it. go go go.
Posted at 10:41 am by hrizonedge
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
I am not trying to F*** with you. As a matter of fact i have been quite civil. If you dont want to talk to me anymore that is your choice. If you want to listen to what other people tell you, that is also...your choice. Look outside the box Chris. I am not going to sit here and explain blah blah blah about how im not guilty of whatever, for both of us know what happend, and was anyone else there during the time we were together?? no. only you and i know whats going on.Ive figured you out, and i know a lot about who you are and what you try to be. You may seem like a person with riddles, i wasted too much time trying to figure them out. you cant trust people because you dont even trust yourself. that scares you.I would be scared too. If paranoia takes over your mind, then ask yourself... why is it there?? I am standing on a pedistal now and i am telling you that you are right about the loving thing.. i only loved what i saw... not what i knew...how could i love someone that doesnt know who they are and cant trust themself? and you can continue to be defiant and think the whole world is against you and that i am just out to get you..... man would that ever take a lot of energy! no chris... all i wanted was to be a friend to you. all i can say is welcome to the new world.. called adulthood. and you dont want to go there... thats why you are stuck on all of this and sooo confused. maybe i am a preacher, but its because i am saying the things that you wont and can't because you dont know what you believe or how to put it into reality.one thing that preachers have is faith..i still have faith in what comes to be "you", but until you find it, your a lost soul chris. dont play the victim... trust me.. it can only get you so far.your stuck.get out.
par·a·noid ( P ) Pronunciation Key (pr-noid)
Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.
Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged.
To make or become angry.
Used in the imperative as a signal of angry dismissal.
vic·tim ( P ) Pronunciation Key (vktm)
One who is harmed or killed by another: a victim of a mugging.
A living creature slain and offered as a sacrifice during a religious rite.
One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition: victims of war.
A person who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking: You are a victim of your own scheming.
A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of: the victim of a cruel hoax.
Please, Katie, let me be as LITERAL and REAL as humanly possible. I DONT NEED YOU TO PREACH AT ME ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMATIC SOLUTIONS WHEN I HAVE MY OWN.
1) I am perfectly rational in my distrust of you. Therefore, I am not paranoid. I am PISSED.
2) the emotional display you are witnessing is me being PISSED. An imperative signal of angry discharge.
3) I am pissed because I AM a victim (see last definition).
4) I am perfectly capable of getting over the loss of you, aka, I DONT CARE ANYMORE. Get over it, and find someone else (refer to Track 10 on the first Linkin Park album, A Place For My Head).
5) Clearly, through the definitions and explainations above, you have portrayed me completely inaccurately and are not the victim of JACK SQUAT. Someone so utterly corrupt as you is truely the one with the lost soul. Perhaps you should look inward when attempting to explain the problems of others, because more of them apply to you than those you attempt to "help." In fact, I must clearly say that I am ont the one viewing things crookedly, but it is infact you the one who is gazing through the fractured diamond you call perspective.
Thank you for your time.
Dont try to fuck around with me. Period.
Posted at 02:22 pm by hrizonedge
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? what is this i hear about me trying to push sex on you? you know i wouldnt do that! why the hell are you trying to spread rumors about me? are you trying to get back at me? maybe you are just like everyone else...spreading rumors about people behind their backs. maybe that is what i felt when i left you. you are no different. katie taylor is just another high school student with a hidden agenda and a vendetta. well i can tell you that the person i heard this from is VERY CREDIBLE and DOESNT BELIEVE YOU. dont try to fuck with me katie. i cant believe that you would try to pull something like this over on me, but i have no other choice. just take the fact that we broke up and get over it, you dont love me. just drop it. you never loved me, you dont even know what it is. and if you want to fuck with me, dont be a coward and do it behind my back. be the person you say you are, and confront me on it. now i know for certain you arent the person you say you are. i will only say this one more time...DONT FUCK WITH ME.
Posted at 09:21 am by hrizonedge
Monday, November 10, 2003
So i recieved a picture-actually three pictures- of maggie. I downloaded them to my account, and then looked at them. I must admit, seeing their fish face for the first time was interesting. Hell, it was fucking hilarious. I just about fell out of my chair, which would have been bad considering i was in class at the time. So anyway, i printed off one of the pictures and have been carrying it around with me all day. I showed aron the one of her by the door, and his jaw just dropped. i have to say, i wish she would send more, regardless of what she thinks the picture looks like. it cant be a bad picture, it is of her. God, she is gorgeous. i have only met her once, but i have to say that i almost miss her. sure, the phone calls help, running up an insanely large bill. but it is worth it. just to hear her voice every night, gaze into the nothingness of my sofa and pretend i am there with her. how badly i want to go to her house right now, just get in the car and go. I know thats where i am goinjg in the spring, as soon as school gets out for sure. i want to get a subaru wrx sti, but the likelihood of that without commiting grand theft auto is slim. and what really gets me, i just found out that my ex's dad is buying her one. what the FUCK? she doesnt deserve it, she doesnt even want it as bad as i do, she only wants it because i do, so she can piss me off so i will go back to her. bull shit. i wont. not after what you did. not after how you treated me, i will get my own, and it will be better. it will have dichromic tint, and subs, and hopefully maggie in it. sitting next to me when i drive her back to omaha for prom. but i have to go now. i will try to post again.
Posted at 11:16 am by hrizonedge
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Maggie doesnt deserve everything I have to give. No one does. I say this because she doesnt deserve the evil, the coldness, the desensitized facade the world is conditioned to see. We are all trained, especially as Americans, to be desensitized to war and violence and sex and drugs and simple hatred. That is why its so hard for me to let go of emotion, i can give off 2 to the public. Anger, and joy. I cant stand it, how badly i want to show a full range of emotion to the world. But i have been trained to only show emotion to myself and those i love. Because love is a matter of respect, as well as unconditional, unbiased understanding. Which is why i feel that i can show everything i have to Maggie, even though i know she doesnt deserve the potential upset of my bad mood. But the odd thing is, i dont have a reason to be mad or sad or naything like that around her. She just makes me feel so welcome and wanted, like what i have to say is actually important. When i first talked to her, i promised myself i wouldnt fall in love. But i broke my promise. Worse, I shattered it, to myself. I fell so fast, so hard i cant figure it out. maybe its because i hae never really felt this way, girls usually fall in love with me before i love them. But this new reality, of falling into the pool instead of going down the stairs, had me bewildered. Is this love? I hope so, because i hope i can feel this way forever. The way i do when i talk to Maggie, as a person, not just the scorchingly hot girl at Six Flags. Enomeni Patri, Et Feeli, Spiritctus Asanti.
Posted at 11:05 am by hrizonedge
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
OK. So i finally have the opportunity, motive, everything for the biggest head shot of my life. I have the opportunity to read someone's diary. not just anyone's, but the girl that i have this insatiable obsession for, Maggie, the one person that I actually feel knows me for me. I have the probably once in a lifetime chance to get inside her head, to see what makes her tick. But you see, the problem with all of that is the fact that i truly do think she means a lot to me. I know she does. and getting inside her personal thoughts would seem wierd, to be able to predict her movements and stay two steps ahead. im not sure i want that. and to be honest im not sure she really wants me to read it. but then why did she give me the site name? i am so confused. thats why i try to stay out of girls heads. i see why she tries to, aswell. so i must say, i wont read it until she actually says she wants me to. i have too much respect for her and the way that i could have a detrimental effect on her. i had a dream last night. in which she said she would go to prom with me on one condition. that the next 3 words i said were the right 3. she asked me what i felt, and i said "pure, unbiased love." And thats what i truly do feel for her, whether it is reciprocal or not. So we went to prom, which was a flash in the dream, to the point where i dont even recall who was there. but afterwards, we went back to someplace i have never actually been. We entered a room with jet white walls and carpet, and blood rose red sheets made of satin on the bed. we both slipped into the sheets, and she fell asleep in my arms. the last thing i remember before i fell asleep in my dream is that i gently kissed her cheek and whispered, i am always here for you, my dear.
Now, Maggie says that white represents clarity, and red is love. somehow, i have no trouble believing her on this one. i could have sworn it was real, and this morning i rolled over almost expecting to kiss her. instead, i kissed the floor as i rolled off my bunk bed. kissing carpet with blood from your mouth on it is not exactly the most pleasant feeling in the morning. but it would have been worth it if Maggie were there to kiss it and make it feel better.
I need a back massage.
I am tired
I want a car capable of getting me to New Mexico in under 12 hours.
Most of all, I want to be able to show her how I feel in person.
Posted at 09:40 am by hrizonedge
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
So I talked with someone last night, someone I see as special. Someone who doubts herself, though she has no reason to. She realized last night how I see her, for the person she is. She is so much like me, always being told what others think of her instead of what is true. My thoughts havent been poisoned by the others around her, therefore rendering my view of her pure and simple. And true. Not contorted and twisted and mamed by the complicated views of others. And that is how it should be. <o> <3 Mags.
Posted at 07:55 am by hrizonedge
Monday, November 03, 2003
Back Massages and Too Little Sleep
Yeah, so I just fell asleep after my chem test...fuck I am tired as all hell. The musical was this weekend, tech crew was naturally a bitch and a half. But I wouldnt change it for anything, it was fun. And it kept my mind off things. Like college apps, and school, and girls, aside from Mags. But the thing that really got me, was the whole backstage backrub thing. In theatre, its kindof an unspoken tradition to give back massages to actors, just to cool their nerves. Most of the time, chains of people stretching from wall to wall form in our theatre. But what pisses me off? I was ALWAYS at the BACK OF THE LINE. I can feel knots forming in my muscles, especially after strike. I desperately need a massage from someone female. I think guys can give massages to girls, and girls to guys, but guys just cant give an effective massage to another guy, or girls to girls. It just doesnt work, at least not for me. And with how little sleep I got this weekend, it has to be a long backrub. One to put me to sleep. Synopsis of weekend:
Friday morning go to school
dont leave until 4, when i usually leave in the middle of the day
call Maggie when I get home
go back to school at 5:30 to prep for performance
perform aat 7:30, goes until 10
go home for 10 mins, change clothes
go to and leave last 15 mins of a Halloween party the cops end up busting
go back home and watch Saving Private Ryan
get call from Maggie, talk to her until her phone goes retarded
finish movie, go to bed around 2:30
Up at 8 on Saturday
work on addition till 11
go out with dad for breakfast
come back home, finish 4 job apps and 2 college apps
go to school at 5:30
perform at 7:30
after show, cast party in a fucking HUGE house
during party, go out to friends car for a Coors Light
go back to party
leave party around 12:30
stay in my driveway talking to the person who i rode with until 2
watched tv/talked on the phone until about 4
collapsed on my floor about 4:15
woke up 8 a.m. Sunday to my dog rolling on top of me
couldnt go back to sleep
showed up at school at noon
2 oclock performance
strike began at 4:30
finished strike around 7:45
went to dinner with the people that stayed the whole time
dropped off a friend at his house
talked with someone in a driveway for a half hour
went to bed around 12
up Monday at 6:30 for school
Yeah so my life sucks. I had WAY too little sleep this weekend for the amount of physical force applied. But on the plus side, I managed to go an entire 3 days without hurting myself. But I'm starting to get sick, and I can tell because of the way my voice is starting to sound. I sound like Kermit the Frog had his larynx chewed on by a Saint Brenard, then smoked a Cuban, then swallowed an M-80. Sexy. Anyway, I feel so relieved about the whole Katie thing, the psycho. LEAVE ME ALONE! I strangely find myself extremely attracted to Maggie, especially recently. Its funny, because at first, I was only atracted because she is an insanely hot goddess. YES YOU ARE! But now its more than that. Im actually attracted to HER. Its kind of exhilerating.
I have to go to class now. Should you read this an actually know who I am and how to get ahold of me, do so when you read this. Later.
Posted at 11:32 am by hrizonedge
Friday, October 31, 2003
Generalities and Assumptions
So I recieved a call last night from my ex...and it turned into an incredibly heated bitch fest, at least on her end. Yesterday was all good until she decided to snap on me and say it was all my fault, because I lied and cheated on her. Bullshit. I never lied to her in any way, and I have enough respect for women not to cheat on them. I know that generally, girls are smart enough to figure out when you are cheating. But I dont deserve the kind of exilous treament that I have gotten recently. So, Katie, as much as you think that it is my fault, I have to say that you are the one who drove me
away. So just stop trying to piss me off.
On the other hand, I talked to Maggie last night. She tried to call me in the auditorium, but i wasnt there. So she had the pleasure of talking to John, our uber-cool lights technician. And then I called her, which Im not sure if she would consider a pleasure or not. But it definitely lightened my day. I need to finish the image CD I started...then get her address...then send her the CD. Hopefully it will be in the form of a trade...HINT HINT. I only really met Maggie once, but it seems like I have known her since I was a little kid. I think that's a good thing, because I like to have people that I can talk to about anything. But I also have to say that it's an added bonnus she's SCORCHINGLY HOT. I seriously wish I didnt live so incredibly far from her. I keep thinking about how me and Aron are going to have to go to "Philmont," wink wink nodd nodd hint hint rizzle dizzle. That or I could just take a trip on my own. That or, me and Aron are considering going down to Venezuela this summer for his LASIK surgery. Maybe she could possibly come down with us, but considering her father is a church official...I dont know. I hope so. If not, perhaps she could come over for Winter Formal or Prom. We already had Homecoming, which sucked to no end. I hate being a fucking escort to a limo full of immature, horny 14 year olds. Thats all I was, but I got free dinner out of it. I guess thats ok.
Jacob just finished his hat, made of a plastic cup, tape, and random computer parts from his backpack. It looks pretty freakin' cool. Not like mine, which is plain black, no insignia or words. Like the rest of my clothing for today. Black combat boots, black BDU's, a black t-shirt, black tactical turtle neck, and a black Kevlar vest. Even my boxers are black, and the silencers on my dog tags. The only thing different are my dichromic sunglasses, so they appear irridescent red when looking straight on, but change as you move. I want tint like that in my car windows. I want my car, first. Pearl blue Subaru Impreza WRX STi. Oho, twin turbos, running a 4.9 from 0-60, 300Hp, 300 lb/ft of torque, my baby. There is only one person that I know who has one, and she is a total bitch and wont let me drive it. Grrr. Oh well, I'll just get my own and smoke everyone I race. Ha ha, YES. Anyway, I have to go back to class now, I may be able to post again later today. Peace, love and all the weed you can afford.
Posted at 10:00 am by hrizonedge